Behold, The Internet Tough Guy

Internet Tough Guy,Keyboard Warrior

Behold, the Internet Tough Guy. I am a Keyboard Warrior, kneel before me!

UPDATE: The chicken s*** took his Twitter account down. Real tough guy I say.

The other day, there I was, minding my own business on Twitter and I just happened to catch an exchange between Kevin Goldstein (@Kevin_Goldstein) and what could best be described as a troglodyte attached to a keyboard/internet connection…a.k.a. the douche bag pictured above, better known as @TreyHickman.

I mean this guy was just taking it to places where it had no business going, and worst of all….for no apparent reason. But then again, when one attaches a troglodyte to a keyboard/internet connection how can one truly predict where it is going to go?

So,  I chimed in. Hilarity ensued. Well, maybe not “hilarity” per se, but something ensued.

I know. I know. Don’t feed the internet trolls. But you know what? Some times it’s just too much damn fun.

First, he opened with “oh, another person who can’t mind their own business”.

I kindly pointed out the inherent problem with the whole “hey, stay the f*** outta my private Twitter conversation” argument, but he wasn’t buying it.

So me and the “Hickster” went back and forth for a while, him insinuating that he was a 6’4″ mixed martial artist who had mastered all forms of athletics AND unarmed combat by the age of three while claiming that I, and anyone else who dared to question his beliefs/positions/tourette-like-mutterings, was a “nerdy pussy”.

There was talk of baby genitalia, fungi and some other somewhat disturbing stuff, but for the most part what emerged from his end of the conversation was a bunch of random words and inaudible grunting sounds.

Now I would post actual pictures of the Tweets but he, ahem, deleted every last one of them after I pointed out he talked a whole lotta shit for a guy who couldn’t stop yammerin’ about what Meryl Streep was wearing at the Oscars in his timeline. (Oh yeah, he then deleted those tweets too).

In the end, he was ridiculed by a dozen or so people for about thirty-six straight hours by people from all walks of life and has since gone quiet. Ish.

BUT the event led me to this…courtesy of the Encyclopedia Dramatica:

Behold, the Internet Tough Guy. Also known as a Keyboard Warrior, he talks big shit online, and isn’t afraid of anything. Always male (for there are no girls on the internet). As he will thoroughly explain to you, he is respected and feared by ALL

He swears a lot just to show how hardcore he is. God help you if you even dare defy him by delivering some sort of retort when he says something to you, or practicing logic on his user page, or even reading whatever he posted and writing replies of disagreement (or even agreeing responses, in some cases) relating exactly to what you just read … No, you can’t do that. No. No. You don’t even know him or what he’s about.

Internet Tough Guy isn’t someone you should mess with, ever.

That’s right, you cross the line and he will come to your house and fuck you up so bad and rape you so hard and kill you so god damn dead OH SHIT. You must have pissed yourself by now from these horrific threats of bodily harm. Because if someone threatens you online, that’s it. Game over man. Game over! You are d-e-a-d, DEAD! Nothing can save you. Not even that new dog you just bought. You might as well kill yourself now…

Actually, IRL, Internet Tough Guy, there? He’s a total fag or a basement-dweller, with a high chance of being a redneck and/or skinhead. Sometimes, the Internet Tough Guy will actually be somewhat “tough.” However, this makes him about four times more of a total fag.

The sad reality is that these people are a concentrated form of noob, not one of whom can grasp the concept that they obviously are never actually going to be able to make good on their intimidating remarks, or that their low-IQ ramblings do not impress the Internet nor physically affect people on it in any way.

More simply put, when nobodies such as themselves make empty threats and loudmouthed, prick statements to unknown persons whom they have never met and do not know the locations of, it does not equal being a badass, becoming dominant to the other users, nor actually going full ass-rape/ass-kick on someone. Many Internet Tough Guys are really into computer programming, or, at the bare minimum, love videogaming, heavy metal, and perhaps working for Walmart late at night.

Usually, his parents banished him to the unfinished, wet, moldy, cold and dark basement because they couldn’t stand either his smell or the fact that he is a disgrace to the family name. 99.9999% chance he is also subject to frequent pwning. By everyone. (He won’t admit it, though. He “won” because he swore a lot. And disabled replies.)

Oh yeah, that about sums him up perfectly.

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5 comments

  1. J-Dub

    This is beautiful stuff. I get at least two or three of these butt-loafs a week, and at first, they used to really hack me off, but now I realize they are just pathetic members of the “two-inch” club.

    • djpostl

      Yeah man, nothing worth gettin’ worked up over. It’s better to just have your fun with it and move on knowing that the odds of them breeding are slim to none.

  2. Pingback: R.I.P. @TreyHickman : Your Twitter Account Is Gone, But Not Forgotten! « You're Killin' Me, Smalls!
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